


clutched my life (and wished it kept)

by ryvrr



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: (divergence only to make chris/josh established relationship tho), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Canonical Character Death, End of game spoilers, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Some Plot, This happened cause I got double dog dared on Tumblr pretty much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 11:13:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4874575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryvrr/pseuds/ryvrr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He should have known. <i>He should have fucking </i>known<i>, god dammit.</i> What kind of a best friend was he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	clutched my life (and wished it kept)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HyacinthusAmongUs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyacinthusAmongUs/gifts).



> So now that that's out of the way! Title is from [In the Woods Somewhere by Hozier](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMk-Nb_viR8&ab_channel=FatNinja343). I listened to that song pretty much on repeat the entire time I wrote this. I, uhm. I have to go read some fluff now, because I made myself sad by the end of this tbh. Thank you to [Burbear](http://archiveofourown.org/users/burbear) for looking this over. What an amazing beta! And they suffered the angst along with me. Seriously, I made myself really sad at the end of this, I'm not even kidding. 
> 
> Hey, but with that in mind: enjoy? (Also feel free to follow my [fanfiction tumblr](http://mynxalicious.tumblr.com) or my [main tumblr](http://capta1nstucky.tumblr.com). I take prompts on my fanfiction one!)

He should have known. _He should have fucking_ known _, god dammit._

What kind of a best friend was he? He should have known something was going on, but he’d overlooked it. There were times when Josh was fine-- he smiled and made jokes and played video games with Chris, without a blink of an eye or anything out of place-- and then there were times where Josh was so low, Chris wasn’t sure he’d ever see his boyfriend smile again. They took each day as it came-- together, always together-- and Chris helped Josh through it. 

He thought he was helping him through it. Chris thought he was being a good boyfriend. _He should have known_ , his conscience would whisper. Chris and Josh, they’d been close ever since third grade. They didn’t start out as anything romantic. They were best friends first, and the lovers part came along later. Chris knew Josh almost as well as he knew himself most days. He always liked to think that it was the same with Josh. 

Sure, Josh had days where he barely knew himself, but _Chris_ , Chris was familiar. One night a text came in and it was Josh, Josh who’d picked up his phone and asked Chris to come over. It was said in a way where Chris felt alarms go off in the back of his head. He responded quickly-- fingers flying over the keys, punching in a reply before his brain had finished processing Josh’s request. He didn’t even bother to think at all as he picked up his keys and jacket, headed to the front door and left his apartment. 

He knew the way to Josh’s house. Though his boyfriend had stepped back and been distant lately-- Chris knew he had to give Josh room to breathe, he couldn’t be with him constantly-- Chris could make this walk with his eyes closed. It’s okay that Josh had been quiet the last few weeks. The anniversary of the disappearance of his sisters was quickly approaching, and Josh needed time to himself. He’d explained it briefly the other day and, at the time, Chris had understood. Josh had given pretty good reasons, Chris thought. 

The doorbell was ignored as Chris approached the front door of the Washington’s place. It was larger than Chris’ own parents’ house, but that was mostly because the Washingtons were well off money wise. Chris’ parents weren’t too far behind, but enough for it to be noticeable in certain ways such as how large their home was compared to Josh’s parents. It didn’t matter the size, though, because Josh’s parents were rarely ever home, especially not after the last year the family had gone through. His dad was always away with work, and his mom was… Chris didn’t even know where Melinda Washington was most days. 

Chris fumbled with his jacket pocket and pulled out his keyring. He had a spare key to Josh’s place on there and he used it to open the door without a sound. He slipped inside and allowed it to close behind him as he glanced around. No lights were on in the foyer, and there weren’t any in the kitchen or the living room either. Josh must be upstairs in his own room then. 

Chris took the stairs two at a time as he reached the landing for the second floor. He bypassed the first few doors-- two of which had belonged to the twins before they had vanished-- and instead went to the very end of the hall. Josh had always had the last door on the right ever since Chris had first started coming over in third grade. Chris ignored the normal thing people would do and didn’t even bother to knock, instead he stepped inside without a word. 

Josh was sprawled out on his bed with his head hung over the side. His eyes had been closed when Chris entered, but as soon as the door had opened they’d squinted over toward him. “Hey,” Chris greeted as he closed the door behind him. Habit, more than anything. No one was home, that much Chris could piece together, but he still felt like some extra privacy wouldn’t hurt. 

“What’s up, Cochise?” Josh asked. His lips twisted a little at the edges in a pretend smile, which tightened something in Chris’ chest. He didn’t comment on it. Usually if he brought it up it would only make Josh withdraw more. 

“I should be asking you that,” Chris pointed out. Josh shrugged-- or he moved his shoulders as much as laying upside down on the bed allowed-- and his eyes darted away. They came back a moment later and he slowly pushed himself into a seated position. Chris took that as his cue to join him on the bed. He clambered onto it and slid until he was pressed along Josh’s side. A hand came up to brush gently against his cheek and Josh snickered. “What?” Chris asked with a small smile. 

“You just saw me, what, yesterday? You’re acting like it’s been forever,” Josh teased. He always did tease whenever Chris showed more affection than usual. Chris continued to smile even as Josh raised brows at him. 

“I like seeing you,” Chris replied. “Nothing wrong with that.” 

“Nah, I guess not,” Josh agreed. His eyes slid away from Chris’ own and stared off into the middle distance. Silence stretched between them, but Chris didn’t find it uncomfortable. He was used to waiting it out whenever Josh had something on his mind. His text had made it clear he had _something_ brewing up in there. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Chris asked finally when it was apparent Josh wasn’t going to be the first one to start this. Josh winced but attempted to cover it up. Chris only caught it because, again, he’d known the guy since third grade. He was pretty good sometimes at knowing Josh and his mannerisms, his habits and movements. 

“Not really,” Josh said with another shrug, though this time it was executed better now that he wasn’t sprawled on his bed. Josh threw a glance at Chris and then smiled a little. “There’s something else I’d rather do.” 

“Oh yeah?” Chris went along with it, because the light in Josh’s eyes had already warmed and begun to simmer. Chris could gather what Josh had started to think on, what he wanted to do. “Is that what this is, dude? A _booty call_?” 

“Something like that,” Josh breathed and then surged forward. It caught Chris by surprise because the force behind it was almost desperate. Josh’s fingers slid across Chris’ face and then into his hair. He tightened them in the blond strands and used the leverage to man handle Chris into a better position. Not that Chris minded all that much. He enjoyed kissing with Josh, even when they were hard and unforgiving like this one was starting to become. 

Josh slanted his mouth as he clambered into Chris’ lap. Chris broke away a moment and started to mumble something, but Josh’s hands clutched his face and pulled him back into another kiss. His boyfriend left one hand cupped around Chris’ jaw and the other slid down, down, down to clench fingers on the edges of his jacket. Josh made quick work-- with one hand, even-- at sliding the jacket from Chris and divesting him of it completely. Chris held his arms at the right angle so that it’d slid off easier. 

“Off, off,” Josh muttered with his mouth still pressed and moving against Chris’ own. Chris made a noise in agreement and, once the jacket was only on the tips of his hands, he jerked it the rest of the way off and tossed it off the bed. He didn’t care where it landed. Josh made a noise of aggravation as he pulled back. “Always all the layers, dude,” he grumbled as he made quick work off the buttons of Chris’ shirt. “It’s fucking ridiculous.” 

“Sorry I like to be warm when it’s _cold_ , bro,” Chris replied and his lips curled into a smirk. Josh’s eyes glanced up at his face and hooked on the little smile, before he surged forward again. He kissed him repeatedly-- pulled back before moving back in to press another, over and over-- until he seemed happy enough that he’d kissed the look away. Chris’ mouth was slack as he stared wide eyed at Josh. 

“We live in fucking southern California, Chris,” Josh said and this time he had a smirk on his own lips. It spoke of his smugness at leaving Chris’ mind wiped clean. “It doesn’t get cold enough for-- three layers, dude, are you _serious_?” The tension that’d been in the air when Chris first entered seemed to ease. There was something in the quick way Josh tugged and pulled at his boyfriend’s clothes, something that hinted at-- 

Chris didn’t want to say wrongness. There was something _wrong_ \-- not between them right now-- but there was an _odd_ quality to their dynamic. Josh didn’t meet Chris’ eyes for long whenever they roved over his face and instead seemed to focus on everything else. It was like he was trying to press this memory into his brain to save, to be able to take out whenever he needed it and turn it over in his hands whenever it suited him. 

“Hey,” Chris said and Josh paused. His fingers had finally gotten his button down shirt off and he’d started to tug up his undershirt. Josh tilted his head and glanced up at Chris from underneath his lashes. He knew how wild that drove Chris. He did it on purpose, he was sure of it. “I love you,” Chris breathed and his hands came up to settle on either side of Josh’s face. The older man tried to turn his face away and he breathed a heavy sigh as Chris said the words. 

“Getting all sentimental on me, huh, Chris?” 

“Always,” Chris agreed and the smile was apparent even in his voice. It didn’t matter that Josh wasn’t looking at him. He’d know just by the way he spoke that the words were said from around a smile. Josh finally looked back at him and rolled his eyes dramatically. “Alright, let me help you,” Chris said once it was apparent Chris was done with his gushy shit. Josh seemed relieved, but the look only passed over his face for a moment. Chris didn’t push it. Something was eating at Josh, but he’d get to the bottom of it later. 

“ _Finally_ ,” Josh breathed. “I was thinking I was gonna have to fuck myself open.” 

“O-oh,” Chris said and he leaned back to stare at Josh with wide eyes. Josh grinned predatorily when he noticed the look. “You-- oh, well, I can--” Chris broke off with a choked off sound when Josh leaned forward and _sunk his fucking teeth_ into Chris’ neck. Chris arched into the touch and moaned loudly as Josh pulled back. He fucking _knew_ Chris had a thing for that. One little bite alone was enough to get him ready to go, but one that hard? Chris had felt it shoot straight to his dick. It’d been getting hard before, but now it was full on and tense in his pants. “You dirty cheater--” 

Josh placed his lips softly against the skin at first and dragged his tongue over the mark there. He did this several times and Chris’ breathing became progressively more ragged as he did so. He started to hint at more with his teeth and then sucked hard to darken the mark. “God, you bruise so easy,” Josh breathed against his skin. The whisper of the words made the skin he whispered against feel colder and Chris shivered from the sensation. “You love it when I leave these, and it fucking _drives me nuts_ that you have no shame when you walk around with them out on display.” 

Chris laughed shakily and opened his mouth to reply, but that was when Josh surged back to press his lips against Chris’ own again. It seemed Josh had worked himself up, because he slung his legs over his boyfriend’s and straddled his lap. He ground down without any lead up and Chris made a sound against his chapped lips as Josh did so. He swiveled his hips a little and then pressed down harder. Chris could feel Josh hard against his stomach as Josh moved, and Chris slid one hand from where it’d landed on Josh’s shoulder to wrap around a hip. 

“Josh,” he breathed against the dark haired boy’s lips. “Josh,” he repeated against when Josh just kept up with the movement of his hips. Chris’ free hand came down to grab Josh’s other hip and he guided him into a more steady rhythm. Josh’s breathing elevated as they moved together, and after a minute he was full on panting against Chris’ mouth. 

“Chris,” Josh moaned as they moved. “Chris, Chris, oh _God_ \--” 

Josh pulled back as if burned. He nearly fell out of Chris’ lap and the blond made a sound of startled surprise. Josh wasted no time to scramble back to his side, and his hands shook as he began to strip Chris of his pants. “Off,” he said as he shucked them. Chris got with the program a minute later and began to pull them from his legs as Josh went to handle his own clothes. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it without a care over his shoulder, hands diving for his pants to get rid of those next. 

“Josh--” Chris said and held his hand out when Josh fished the lube from his bedside table’s drawer. Josh shook his head and placed a hand over Chris’ mouth to prevent him from continuing. 

“Lay down,” he demanded. There was no room for argument in the words, and it zipped straight down Chris’ spine. Josh’s eyes were expectant as he watched Chris situate himself and then slide down to lay on the rumpled sheets. “You’re gonna watch,” Josh said as he popped the lube open, “as I prepare myself, and you can’t fucking touch, Chris.” He said this last with an air that hinted he wasn’t going to take kindly if Chris tried to disobey. Whenever Josh ordered him about and bid him not to touch, Chris ended up almost breaking the rules and doing so anyway. He _hated_ when he couldn’t touch Josh. 

It always made things more intense later though. 

The next few minutes were spent watching as Josh lubed up his fingers and started with one. From this angle-- Josh crouched over his legs, his knees on the bed to support him better-- Chris could watch as Josh moved on his own fingers. Josh’s eyes were closed and his mouth was open partially, little gasps of breath escaping as he twitched his hips. There was no rhythm to this. Josh’s face showed he enjoyed the sensation, but this wasn’t the main show. This wasn’t what Josh wanted the most. Once he’d moved on to three fingers in his own ass, Josh’s eyes slid open and he watched Chris watch _him_ while he worked. 

“Shit,” Chris breathed as Josh twisted his hips around, as if he had started to search for a certain spot inside of him. Chris could tell that Josh found it when his mouth dropped completely open and a moan released without restraint. “Shit, come on, dude, let me--” 

“Almost,” Josh promised and this time he went to four fingers. This was _torture_! Josh usually caved by now, let him touch and move him about, let him fulfil the ache that Josh always told him he felt at this stage. “Okay,” he breathed and then leaned forward to press his lips against Chris’ own. Josh opened his mouth and a tongue delved inside, sliding against Chris’ own before he pulled back. “Okay,” he repeated. “You can touch now, dude.” 

Chris didn’t waste time. His hands shot out and grasped Josh by the hips. He pulled him down so that he could grind his erection against his thigh, and Josh released a garbled noise from deep in his throat. “Lube,” Chris demanded and he threw one arm out to search blindly for it. Josh helped him by nudging it into Chris’ reach. The blond wasted no time in slicking himself up, and then he placed his clean hand on Josh’s hip and assisted to guide him to where Chris needed him to be. 

They both moaned together as Josh slid slowly down on Chris’ length. The older man let his head fall back and his mouth opened, stayed open, as he pulled himself up and then dropped back down. They both made embarrassing noises as it happened. “Shit,” Chris breathed. He felt like he’d said that a lot tonight. He probably had. This was-- it was more intense than it usually was. Something about the way Josh moved-- the desperation he’d been using to kiss Chris since he arrived-- made something simmer just underneath Chris’ skin. “Fuck. _Fuck_ , dude.” 

“Yeah,” Josh replied, and then that was the last they both spoke for awhile. Josh began to move and Chris used every ounce of his brain power to keep up with the pace. He placed the heels of his feet on the bed and used that to gain some leverage to thrust up. After a few different angled thrusts he managed to hit that spot inside Josh that always had him seeing stars, which was apparent when Josh let out a loud gasp and tilted his head fully back. He bounced on top of Chris and made little mewls as he moved, sounds that heated up Chris from the inside out and made his skin feel too tightly stretched. 

“There,” Josh gasped when Chris hit it again a few more thrusts later. “Right there. Please, _please_ , Chris, fuck.” He kept mumbling after that, but it devolved into more vague noises than actual words. Chris did his best to give Josh what he wanted, tilted his legs so that he slid kind of in the way Josh wanted. Josh leaned down fast and pressed his lips against Chris again, opened up so that his tongue could trace against the outer line of Chris’ lower lip. 

They moved together while they exchanged sloppy kisses. Mostly it was Josh lapping at his skin, pulling his lower lip into his mouth and biting down harder than he usually dared. Chris made appreciative noises each time it happened, though, so Josh didn’t bother to apologize. He kept doing it as they moved, and Chris gasped open mouthed kisses back at his boyfriend as his insides tightened. There was a warm curl of pleasure that built up as they moved, and Chris closed his eyes as it twisted to the almost breaking point. 

“I’m so close,” Chris moaned out against Josh’s lips. Josh nodded frantically and leaned up without a word. He placed his hands down on Chris’ chest, before they moved a bit lower to gain more leverage. He used that to lift himself and then fell back down harder on Chris’ dick than he had before. Chris made a noise of startled pleasure and arched up into the next rise and fall of Josh’s body. 

“Come on,” Josh grunted. “Come in me. Come in me, Chris, come on, fucking do it, I want it, _I want it_ , please.” 

Chris wasn’t sure exactly what did him in, but between Josh bouncing on his dick and the words that spilled from his boyfriend’s lips, something certainly _did_. Chris made a desperate, lost noise as he arched and came harder than he ever had in his life. Josh made small noises and kept moving through it, his insides tight around Chris as he milked him through it. “That’s it,” Josh breathed and leaned forward to press his lips against Chris’ as he talked. “That’s right, just like that, just like that.” 

Chris was warm all over as he came down, but his work wasn’t done yet. One hand traced down over Josh’s sweaty, heaving chest until he could wrap his fingers around Josh’s own dick. He pumped it quick and hard, gave just the right twist at the tip that he knew Josh loved, and then his boyfriend came too. He made a loud, long groan as he twitched, his hips moving a little as Chris stroked him through it. 

Josh slumped forward and collapsed atop him. His breathing was out of whack and his chest moved erratically against Chris’ own. “Wow,” Chris said when he’d regained his own breathing. He wasn’t sure what else to say. That was… well, unexpected and way different than how this usually went down. 

Josh made a noise and then laughed, a burst of sound that seemed to burst out of him against his will. He rolled off of Chris and sprawled out beside him. His eyes stared up at the ceiling until he threw one arm over them to cover them completely. Chris turned his head so he could study Josh. 

“What?” he asked. Josh just shook his head. Silence stretched between them again as Josh just breathed and made no move to say more. “Josh,” Chris said and Josh rolled into a seated position. He pulled his underwear out of his pants where they’d apparently been shed together, and pulled them on. He got to his feet and headed towards the attached bathroom. Chris furrowed his brows and watched as he closed the bathroom door behind him. 

Okay, something was definitely going on in that head of Josh’s. Something that he didn’t want to talk to Chris about, something that he’d wanted to forget, maybe? That would explain why he’d texted and then hopped right on him as soon as Chris had walked through his door. These things happened sometimes, but this… this felt weird. 

Josh came back out a few minutes later and seemed to have cleaned up. “Here you go, Cochise,” he said and threw a damp washcloth at Chris’ face. The blond managed to catch it before it smacked him against the nose. “So you can clean up and shit. Get all pretty before we sleep.” 

“I’m staying over?” Chris asked. Josh shot him a funny glance. “I just thought… I don’t know, you seemed different. I thought maybe you’d want to kick me back out.” 

Josh looked at him for several moments without saying anything. His lips stayed in a neutral expression and then he shrugged. “Nah, I’m fine,” he said and forced a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes. Chris studied him and Josh looked away a moment later like it made him feel uncomfortable. “Nothing weird going on here. Well, nothing weirder than usual anyway.” 

“You sure?” Chris asked. He leaned forward and reached out so he could wrap his fingers around Josh’s wrist. He had moved closer as he’d spoken so that Chris could reach him again. Josh looked down at where Chris’ fingers were wrapped around him and then glanced at his eyes again. “You seemed… I don’t know. If there’s anything you wanna talk about, dude, I’m here for you. You can tell me anything.” 

“Anything, huh?” Josh’s lips twisted funny at the corners and his eyes searched Chris’ face. 

“Yeah, Josh,” Chris replied. “Anything.” 

“I’m fine,” Josh repeated and pulled his wrist gently out of Chris’ grasp. He threw himself back on the bed and bounced a little, then turned and grinned at Chris. It still didn’t reach his eyes. “Nothing to talk about here, bro. Nothing that I haven’t already figured out on my own anyway.” 

_He should have known,_ Chris told himself. Something in Josh’s behaviour should have tipped him off. Something was wrong. Chris was pretty much Josh’s other half, right? They were in love. They’d been best friends since third grade. _He should have known,_ Chris repeated in his head. It was like a mantra, a key fact he couldn’t escape. 

It was so close to the anniversary of the twins’ disappearance. Josh had had a rough year, and his parents had abandoned him. Chris had been there to help him through a lot of it, but his behavior leading up to that trip to the cabin… Chris had been shocked to receive the invite. Josh hadn’t even mentioned the idea to him before he’d sent out the video invite to everyone. He’d tried to bring it up, but Josh had evaded. He’d dodged his attempts to meet up and avoided him completely. 

_We’ll talk more at the cabin,_ he’d said. Chris had believed him. Maybe this was his way of letting go. What was that phrase he’d heard once? Catharsis. Something like that. How was Chris to know? How was he to know wendigos would be a fucking thing, and Josh would have a psychotic break? He wasn’t on his meds. He hadn’t been taking his meds for awhile now. They’d made him sick, they’d switched his meds, things had spiraled quickly out of control… 

_He should have known_ , his mind insisted again. Chris kept his eyes closed as he sat in that hospital bed, replaying old memories, trying to ignore the constricting feeling in his chest. He should have known, because Josh was pretty much his other half at this point. They’d known each other so long. How had Chris not known? How had he not realized? 

That last time had been weird, because Josh had been so desperate to be close to Chris. Maybe that was when he’d finally accepted he was going to go through with his plan. Maybe… 

Well, maybes didn’t matter anymore. Nothing really mattered anymore. Chris released a watery laugh and there was a shuffling sound near him. The nurse must have come to check. “Are you alright?” she asked and Chris finally cracked open his eyes. She peered at him with a worried gaze. 

“No,” he told her. 

“Should I call the doctor?” She seemed even more anxious now. Her fingers twitched a little around the clipboard she held. Chris looked away from her and up at the ceiling. 

“No,” he repeated. “There’s nothing he can do, really.” 

The woman made a sound as if to inquire, but Chris ignored her. Even now he didn’t want to be overly dramatic. What was that going to help? What was crying and yelling-- like he wanted to, like the feelings inside of his chest screamed at him to do-- going to do? It wouldn’t bring Josh back. It wouldn’t deliver Josh back to Chris’ arms. 

They’d found the body. They’d refused to let anyone except his parents identify him. A closed casket funeral, they’d said. 

He should have known something was amiss. _Why hadn’t he figured it out sooner_?

**Author's Note:**

> You can feel free to reblog or like it on Tumblr [here](http://mynxalicious.tumblr.com/post/129904846342/clutched-my-life-and-wished-it-kept)!


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